=hyde-can-design

I've had a very difficult couple of weeks.

Saturday, May 24th at 9:44am, my sweet Prince Powder was released from the pain of this life.

Powder, a VERY rare White Russian (the breed comes from Australia and there are no breeders currently in North America) was born an albino.

He had all the wonderful personality traits which makes the Russian Blue such a special cat but because he was born deaf (two beautiful blue eyes) he had also known no fear. This made him infinitely curious and playful.

He never had a cross moment.
He was always loving.
He was always so gentle and sweet.
He was the ultimate lap cat.

In the end, the very thing that made him so unique ended his life. He developed hemangiosarcoma; a very aggressive sun-induced cancer of the blood vessels.

The tumor was in his mouth. We noticed him bleeding from his mouth and took him into the vet... thinking his gums were acting up (again... he had tooth/gum issues his entire life).

The biopsy came back with inoperable hemangiosarcoma. For albino cats this is a very common; a very natural form of death. Squamous cell carcinoma (skin cancer) and hemangiosarcomas (of the skin) are the most common form of old-age sickness in pigment deficient cats. If the tumor was somewhere it could be operated on he might have had a chance (50-50) but where it was there was no chance to cut it out.

The average lifespan of a cat after diagnosis with hemangiosarcoma is 60 days. Powder lived 97. Three days before we let him go the tumor had gotten large enough that it was painful for him to eat. So he stopped. We upped his pain medication but nothing helped. He was afraid to eat; it hurt too much. So we took a couple of days off and stayed with him around the clock, holding him, petting and brushing him. He was content to rest and sleep for the most part. He did get up to stare down MoKo a few times ( a new favorite past time of his).

He stopped drinking Friday morning... we knew it was time.
One more day to love and honor such a central part of our life.
One more day to say goodbye.

My wife and I do not have children. We have cats. Powder and Mynx. Mynx is 18 and going strong.

Powder would have been 15 this fall.

His passing has left a huge void in our lives. I am so happy to have known him. I've been so lucky to have participated in his love.

But I miss him. I miss his sleeping on the back of my chair while I work. I miss him sleeping on my head at night.

We had him cremated. His ashes came back yesterday. I'm going to put them in the 2000 year-old Han Dynasty burial vase which is the centerpiece of my bookcases. The vase is priceless; it cannot be replaced.

Just like Powder. It is a worthy location for the ashes of the coolest cat I've ever known.

Rest in peace my beloved friend. You are missed.

Is complete and now I can see nothing but the path in front of me.

I just got back from visiting my former life. It was an ugly thing; my former life. I was an ugly person. Driven by the wrong things... obsessed with the wrong thoughts... given to the wrong impulses.

I drove across my beautiful country. A blur of color and shape... and arrived at the all-to-familiar places from my past. They no longer held any appeal for me. Just being there made me tired.

I saw ugly, twisted faces I had once cared for... I heard the same old lies and half-truths... I met new twisted and perverse people for whom I once would have instantly harbored a new hatred... but now I can see them for what they truly are and I can let it go.

I didn't get an opportunity to say what I needed to say. But that's OK. I am at peace with it. The injustice experienced is simply a reaffirmation that there will never be any reconciliation with the past. And knowing this going in... I wasn't surprised or upset over the outcome. I was relieved. I found closure. I found a way to make peace with myself.

And when I looked in my rear-view mirror at those I couldn't wait to get away from I saw that they were still entrenched in their entitlement... still slaves to their own pride and insufferable egos.

They are nothing to be angry about now. After this last meeting, I realize that they are to be pitied for their souls are lost.

Their lives are empty.

And they will live out their empty lives moving from one crisis to another. Utterly pathetic dramatizations of real life which are cultivated to give the illusion of substance so they can feign relevance and decry the injustices of their own actions with entitled-self-righteous indignation.

BUT I AM FREE!

Free from the emotional chains of slavery they would have me wear.

Free from the imaginary sense of obligation that I would tangle myself in.

Free from those whom I loathe and detest the most... from those who pretend to live with the highest moral standards but are so completely devoid of morality that the cancer born from their deeds is now eating at their very health; a physical manifestation of the hatred and anger they project onto all around them.

A cane of deceit betrays their inner ugliness...
The puffy-faced redness of alcoholism stretching skin full of wrinkles...
Highlights in their hair to hide the rot which eats at their flesh...
Fear born of the lies which brew in their sick mind and shine through the dull-rheumy cast of green eyes once so bright...

I once wished that they would all burn in Hell for the evils they bore into my life.

And now that I have been away and gained the clarity that time and distance offer I see that I need not wish this any more; for they are already in Hell.

A Hell of their own making; surrounded by imps and pretenders who prod them deeper into their own delusional and pathetic existence.

At night they drink the bitter broth of wasted potential and cry themselves to sleep over the cruel and unfair nature of life. And in this we find the true nature of their tragic fault... that they will never understand that it is their own poor choices which brought them to this place.

That no one but themselves can be blamed for the life they now live.

But they still try to blame me.

And I no longer care.

I AM FREE.

AND I WILL NEVER GO BACK AGAIN.

OK. I've gotten so comfortable behind the camera that I let my pride get me.

I just finished as DP (Director of Photography/Cinematographer) on a student film written & directed by one of my classmates.

I shot it on Kodak Vision2 200T using an Arriflex 16S/B camera. I did a series of registration and focus tests on 100ft 50D Kodak to prepare the camera for the rigorous shooting schedule.

Duh! I should have studied the camera a little more. The Arri S (as it is affectionately called) has two film feed systems. The internal 100ft spool and an external magazine system in either 200 or 400ft cans.

So in doing my tests with the 100ft internal spool/feed system, I really didn't prepare for the shoot because the shoot was going to require 400ft rolls supplied through the external magazines.

The short of it is that the camera had a pressure plate problem and the 100ft internal rolls didn't stress the film plane enough to bring it out. But MAN! The torque from the 400ft rolls did. And in a big way.

The film jumps all over the place bouncing between the gate and the pressure plate (which gave under the tension) and the result is severe focus breathing (focus jumping in and out). With a zoom lens a certain amount of breathing is expected. But the entire project was shot on Prime lenses with locking focus and aperture rings.

The only explanation for the focus going wild is the film wobbling between the gate and the pressure plate, causing the FFD (Flange Focal Distance) to change. The Arri S has a factory set FFD of less than 1/3 the width of a human hair.

YUP! So microns of space can create massive changes in focus. And I burnt through 781ft of perfectly exposed and framed film only to find the camera was defective and everything was constantly jumping in and out of focus.

My life sucks right now. Walking into this gig I was a supremely confident DP. Now I want to take camera tech classes so I can thoroughly test every camera I get from here out to ensure it is in top working order.

To see what all of this means, visit the mini website I created for my classmates and professors to explain why I shouldn't fail this class.

[link]

Later!

You know I live my life by adhering to a philosophy of you get back what you put out... so those of you who know me know I am never negative.

Especially about anyone's artistic expression.

That's what makes art so beautiful to me. From the most elementary attempts by the most inexperienced artists to masterful examples of inspired brilliance; art for art's sake is a unifying call.

I really appreciate everyone who has shown and continues to show me support in all the various media I attempt to be creative in.

Your kind words and encouragement mean more to me than you can imagine.

I am very grateful to have the ability to converse daily with such a wide assortment of gifted and energetic people.

OK. I had some young jackass suggest that I am not drawing the stuff I post here. So I posted a drawing I did in college almost 20 years ago.

Sorry for the quality of the scan, but the complete composition and two "details" are included.

I have been a traditional media artist my entire life. I don't mind someone saying "hey that looks like photoshop" but really, before you open you mouth and insert your foot, look at the person's complete gallery. I am sure if you just look at what I've submitted lately you'd think I was ONLY a photographer and film maker.

The fact is that I make films and do photography because I am first and foremost a traditional media artist. Through painting and illustration I have grown into photography and film making.

Again, critique like, "I think there is too much shade on Mel's eyes" or "his nose isn't that flat" are welcome.

"You are not real and this is fake" is not welcome. Not to be cocky, but if you want to challenge my abilities, I'll meet you if you'd like and we can side down, side-by-side and I'll draw whatever you want. Then you can pay for all of the expenses involved in wasting my valuable time.

I've had a really positive experience here on DA and often hear about those who are rude or ugly to others but never had it happen to me. I guess there is a first for everything.